SAN FRANCISCO — CEO of Tesla and entrepreneur Elon Musk has reportedly made a public offering to buy a rake he recently stepped on that smashed him in the face.
“Aha, very shrewd, rake,” said Musk, directly to the rake on the ground. “I see you, like many of the other embarrassing things. I’ve been injuring myself on lately, have fallen victim to the ‘woke’ mindset that sees you seek out and tear down those with ideas counterintuitive to yours. I don’t respect your approach, rake, but I would like to invest in your future. How much to buy you straight up?”
Eyewitness accounts estimated that Musk waited for as long as ten minutes before realizing the rake wasn’t going to respond to his lucrative offer.
“A lot of us gathered once we realized who it was,” said Tracy Brooks, one of many onlookers. “And after a while we were yelling out, stuff like, ‘Hey Elon, that rake ain’t gonna answer you!’ and ‘You’re bleeding from the nose, Elon!,’ but he just kept on standing there, staring at the rake. Eventually I think he realized nothing was going to happen, so he just made an announcement that he’d been joking the whole time and got the hell out of there. I hope he went and got some help, his nose looked really bad.”
“And to think, he wouldn’t have stepped on that rake in the first place if he just had some yellow caution signs up,” Brooks said. “But he hates the color.”
As of press time, Musk had announced intentions to shoot the rake into space.